so there i was....

 {spitting on my fish trying to keep it alive...}

what? oh sorry, wrong line  lol

so no really

 there i was,

....standing in the basement in my winter boots.

watching the water in the basement drain NOT go down.

...on stand-by, waiting to alert josh,

 (who was outside in the freezing temperatures roto-rooter-ing the sewer line to no avail)

to any changes in the situation.

zoning out.

 half way listening to the christmas music emanating from the computer.

looking but not really seeing the slideshow screensaver.

when suddenly, some combination of music & image serving to reach through the fog & wake me up... .

and as i see the photos slowly pan, zoom & fade across the screen.

 photos from the past year

unfiltered by which ones were favorites,

 the program selecting them truely at random,

goofy postures & closed eyes notwithstanding....i realize how lucky i am.

blessed.

 to be here, to love & be loved, to have family & friends.

to have all this...

  everything i have ever dreamed of & so much more that i could not have even imagined in my wildest dreams.

happy holidays.

it snows......

i love the quality of light in the house when it's snowing & there is snow on the ground.
it's almost magical...
there's something about the way it comes in.
there's a glow to it
& the way it changes the colors...
it makes you ::look:: not just see.

it fills me with a quiet sense of right-ness. it conjures images of homemade bread, bean soup &huddling around the woodstove, arms outstretched & fingers splayed, soaking in the heat.

feelings of warm comfort.

scarves, mittens & blankets on the couch...warm & snuggly.

of the conspiritorial whispering of holiday secrets.

of board games with the family on long, dark evenings.
laughing together...passing the time.

of midnight trysts in the gently falling snow, walking together hand in mittened hand.

.happy winter.

it's all starting to come back to me now.....

finally....
something i WANT to work on!
the aforementioned blahs are beginning to fall away
and little blips of creativity or starting to show up on my radar...
like a barely detectable but growing heartbeat.

today this just came OUT... kind of on accident.
i'm gonna run with it :)

blah bla-blah blah blah....

I am having a serious case of the Blahs.
i don't know why... wish i wasn't.
but i am.
i feel like the picture above, grey and lumpy & kinda stormy!
i have tried pulling myself up by the bootstraps...
i have tried "tough love", telling myself i am silly for feeling this way & to just put on my big girl panties and get over it.
i have tried to focus on all the wonderful things in my life.
i have tried pampering myself.
i've tried chocolate...
hot tea...
comfort food...
playing with the baby...
lovin on my joshie...
studio time...
hottub...

but..... nothin.
zip.
zilch.
nada.
the blahs just keep creeping in.
the unsinkable, unshakable blahs.

on being self-centered...

oh my god! and not like omg...but falling to my knees saying "oh!... my god!"

 in my daily perusing of blog-y goodness i ran across this...
{click here}

i *so* needed to hear these words!

i have a fifteen year old daughter, a fifteen month old son, a ton of emotional baggage

& a burning desire to make it all work.

i am living my dream.

getting to be a housewife & a mother is what i have always wanted from life.

 but i find myself spending alot of time in my studio being "selfish".

creating & playing, spending lots of time on me.

i have learned that i really need this time though,

time to keep myself somewhat sane,

balanced, so that i can perform for my family the various multitude of daily tasks that need doing.

because we all know...

if i don't do these things they don't get done! lol

so it is really uplifting to think that i just might be on to something.

{maybe self is the center of balance?}

i think i'm gonna go play in my room!

the most up-ended sideways day...

Last night we had a *hard* freeze. we dropped down to 24 degrees. this morning, i drove lars down to his aunties to drop him off before i went off to my {second} first day of work at the scrapbook store & the amazing quality of the day hit me.
it was sunny, finally, after what had started to seam like never-ending rain. everything was frosty. sparkling. quiet. still....except the leaves from some of the trees. *they* were flying, not falling, dripping from the trees like gilded paper. turning and turning as they fell . you could hear it, the mass exodus of these leaves, like a dance done in bare feet through fields of sunlite grass. touched by magic.
as i drove to work i noticed the pine trees on someones lawn had their own frost shadows. the morning sun had already melted the frost from everywhere except those pine tree shadows. you could see them there on the ground, each dark shadow outlined by a hazy nimbus of frost. all lined up like they usually are on minnesota farms, the lawn in between well kept & now glittering with melted frost. i was giddy with the beauty & singularity of the day, honored to be witness to the glory.

the rest of the day passed....better than some, worse than others. busy, crazy, flurry of a day with its own little joys & frustrations. yummy coffee, happy customers, sick daughter, no lunch, inconsiderate people, pinchy shoes, good conversation, grown-up interaction, missing my boy, long drive home, naked trees, comfy jammies, arg! no milk, dressed & driving again, laundry, finally food....and a big comfy chair...and a blanket. life is good.
then it started snowing. on the ninth of october.
snowing like mad.

what a day... an up-ended sideways day.
 i hope all of my tomorrows are as interesting & full of sensations as this one was.

the long season begins

                                                                                                                                                                                        as i sit in my (now warm) house enjoying the fruits of my (now fixed) furnace, i think back to last week when i took lars on a walk.... and how, as we strolled, i was struck by the strange duality of early evening on an

indian summers day...the bright, bright sunlight & the long shadows.... the fading heat of the day mingled with the promised crispness of the night to come...it was a tangible feeling...a smell almost...a girl flirting with someone out of the corner of her eye.

that was the last nice day...after that it turned cold & rainy & windy. the season has turned. fall is here.

my lost boy...

jordan




yesterday was his birthday.
he turned 12.

that's ten birthdays now.

i miss him. i love him.


i wish...
i wish i could wish him happy birthday.

progress!

got sams quilt all layed out...its turned out really close to what i had in mind. i ended up with more blue/green/purples than reds & such but i still think it looks really neat. also, its way bigger than i thought so i don't think i'm going to put a border on it...if i do it will just be a little one & then the binding.
nothing like fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants quilt planning! lol

the glowing squares are the slippery fabric & when its all layed out like this it looks like sparkly facets...its a really cool effect!
i was going to sew this all in rows but now i'm thinkin that it might be easier to sew 4 squares together to make a bigger square then sew the bigger squares together...
hmmmm....
it's going to drive me cross-eyed trying to keep all those tiny squares & their seams all lined up! lol

my boys... :)

*this is a really great pic of josh...he didn't know i had the camera & he was smiling at lars' antics!*

on a roll....

here are {most of} the 36 fabrics we picked out for sams quilt...

and here... {after 2 afternoons of measuring & cutting & ironing} are four hundred & twenty 3.5 inch squares of said fabrics. the small pile on the side is all of the "slippery" fabrics. i *hate* sewing/cutting/pinning/dealing with slippery fabrics...but they *are* pretty and we *do* likes them..... >.<

here is everything together so you can kindof get the gist of the quilt idea... we have decided to make it more like a throw with a flannel back but no batting & i will embroider all over it instead of just quilting it. sam already has a quilt that she loves so i wanted this to be something else to love rather than a usurper of quilt loves lol

btw....lars *really* dislikes being trapped in the livingroom for this process.

the newest thing i'm working on....i think it will be going up for sale at my etsy shop....

this is part of the stuff i have for this project...i've got it all laid out the way i like it but it's not set in stone yet, so to speak. i kindof like it on the front of the "cabinet" but i think maybe it would be better on the inside of the door so you can see the whole piece at once...maybe i'll go ahead & put it on the outside & then make a brooch or something to display inside the cabinet? who knows? i'll have to play with it & live with it for awhile for it to come to me lol

it's just a balsawood box that i turned up on end. i took off all of the hardware and i made these little wire feet so it would stand up...that was tricky, making four of the same thing out of that wire like that...lol i am going to "upholster" a little cushion for the bottom {out of that yellow polka dot fabric} and that will cover up those screws. not exactly sure what else i'll be doing with it...but it's fun so far!

fun little flanged screws i used to hold the legs on

a good look at the neat-o hinges i used :)

done, done aaaaand.... done!

a blanket for lars made out of three of his "old" recieving blankets with a new butter yellow flannel back.
i am admittedly a little jealous...i want a yummy flannel "blankie" now.... :(
but sami doesn't have her quilt yet & i was seriously pushing the limits of harmonious co-habitation
by making ANOTHER blanket for lars before having EVEN STARTED her quilt.
ah...teenagers! aren't they wonderful? **count to ten, count to ten.......**
no matter that hers is in the works, is already past the planning & buying fabric stage
and now all i need is a day to myself to get all those tiny squares cut out & sewn together so i can move on the the part i actually like about quilting...the quilting! lol

the gold mirror is finally the gloss black i had envisioned it to be forever ago...lol
and much better for it, i think!

and...FINALLY! the new pillows for the couch.
*our old ones having suffered a horrible fate involving spilled soup & the washing machine. we were very sad.*

gotta love volunteers!

this is a wonderful dill plant that is growing, unsolicited, in my backyard. a volunteer. 3' tall. beautiful & fractal.
*each little flower cluster looks just like the bigger flower cluster that it is part of*

today is....

sam found this really cool rock while we were out in Montana...we had gone for a rock-hounding walk down by the river & we both found lots of neat stuff but this was THE find of the day, in my opinion anyways! she only agreed to give it to me when i told her i would make a necklace out of it...so here it is.
i wanted it to look like a primitive bead strand...almost an amulet type feeling...
it turned out just like i had imagined & i love it!

some fun little earrings to go with the necklace.

the {now infamous} orange scarf...i have been working on this since last fall.
josh teases me so bad about how long its taking me...he says that by the time i get it done i won't need it because hell will have frozen over...lol
i am really kickin it into high gear though... i really want it done for this year!

little mister in his new scarf...he actually likes to wear it! i was a bit trepidatious as to whether or not he would leave it on but he actually seems to flaunt it a little :)

scrapbook pages...done! part 2