balance?

i had a revelation today.
a staggering epiphany as it were.

    i was sitting downstairs when i looked at the clock and saw it was 8:30. hmmmmmm, lars is usually up by 8:30... maybe i just didn't hear him.
    and this is where my hands go all cold and get clammy. and i get that funny tight feeling around my heart & my stomach drops out... no. i'm sure he's fine. i get up to go check. {deep breaths.} composing myself as i fake a calm i don't feel. the agony of the question... what if he's not? ungh. be strong. he is. he's fine, it's ok.... but....?
and that was when it hit me. i stopped right there on the stairs.

                        i realized just exactly why it is that i worry.

                 i worry so that bad things don't happen *unexpectedly*.

    bad things happen. you can't avoid that. like a snake in the grass, they spring out at you. but, if you familiarize yourself with the snakes habits & habitats, this knowledge is power and it follows that, armed with this knowledge, one can at least avoid the shock of surprise.... right?
    like cosmic reverse psychology... if i expect the worst & anything better than *that* happens? well then i am free to be gloriously giddy and happy about life in general. well, all except for those horrifying & crippling moments that is.
    now, i've always been a worry-er and had accepted it as part of my nature. but my definition of "bad things" expanded by exponential proportions after charlotte died.
    before, bad things were getting a ticket, losing my wallet or rain on my day off. after, things were much different... darker & scarier. bad things now are terrible car accidents, losing my family & my home, my young son choking or falling, getting terribly and irrevocably hurt, my teenage daughter committing suicide or running away, incurable diseases.... terrible, terrifyingly vivid things that come, unbidden, in an instant and leave me shaken.

 obviously this is a flawed system. i definitely need to mull over these new insights.... seems some balance is in order.

 for mothers day this year my little family honored me with some wonderful gifts... gifts that are so much more than the object they physically are. sami gave me time spent laughing together (which is so important to a mother of  a teenaged girl), almost an hour of distracting the the brother at the greenhouse so i could perambulate & browse & choose some new lovelies for my garden AND one of her wonderful heart/spirit paintings. josh presented me with my very own and oft longed for serger machine... and time to putter in the garden in peace. all so very important things in a mothers life. the tools of my trade really... flowers and plants to beautify our outdoor spaces, art for the indoors, a useful tool to beautify my house and hopefully our bodies with lovingly made fun things from the studio... and the peace of mind and spirit to enjoy it all!

on knitting....

i am always struck by the same-ness of it.

knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit...
pushing, turning, pulling & pushing again.
the cadence sooths and comforts.
the timeless, ancient monotony of the movements.

i find camaraderie in doing the work.

it's like looking into a mirror, from a mirror.

you can see the one before...
and the one before her.

an unbroken thread back through time connecting every maker.
stitch by stitch we weave the fabric that encompasses our lives, our families.

the millions of stitches i will make in my life.
the fabric i will create.

sturdy fabric for duty.
solid stitches parked tightly one next to another... little guardians against the cold of the prairie.

wisps of lace for pleasure, the airy stitches begetting a lofty cloud of comfort and luxury.

scarves, hats, mittens, slippers, shawls, throws...
tiny little bits for babies and big, long scarves for uncles.
toys and baubles, adornments and accouterments.
fabric to clothe, decorate and delight.

for my mom

‘You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.’

CHINESE PROVERB

i love you.

i miss you.

i wish it could be different.

keep your hair free of nests ok?

scrapbooking.... visual journaling

 Awhile ago a friend said to me "why do you do this hobby? i think it's a ridiculous thing to do... i mean, i guess it's great that you like to do it and all but i don't get it."

and this really got me thinking. why DO i scrapbook? the thought knocked around in my head all winter  without coming to a truly satisfying answer. now, i haven't done any scrapbooking all season... i've been too busy to make time to do something i was questioning. today, though, the urge hit me. i got out my books & was flipping through the pages, trying to "see where i was" when i realized just why it is that i do this. gratitude. i know it might sound strange but, for me, it's all about gratitude. i tend to lose sight of exactly how amazingly wonderful my life is if i'm not reminded to be grateful. as i looked back over the photos & read the journaling i just felt a wave of sweet, warm calm wash over me. this is my life. it is wonderful! all those little moments captured... things that i definitely would've forgotten, like lars running around with the wii remote just laughing his head off. or when we dyed sami's hair red & it was SOOOO cool. the light in any given season. the unknown blaze orange flower in the garden. chives. tricycles. cousins. cookies. rainstorms. bbqs.  little things like that. we always remember the big stuff... but i think it's the day to day things that really help remind us that life is good all the time, even when it's hard or dreary or boring.  so that is why i scrapbook... to hold the gratitude for a wonderful life in my hands & say "look. it is good."

a love letter....

springtime, oh springtime how do i love thee? let me count the ways...

     i love you in the early morning when the air still holds the chill of the night, the dew stands like jewels on the grass & i hear the song of the mourning dove coming in through my long closed window, now open to the sweet, fresh air.

     i love you in the morning when i go out to survey the days work in the gardens, reveling in just being out of doors. the quiet moments watching the steam rise lazily from my mug of morning coffee.

     i love you in the mid morning when sun comes in at the east window reflecting through the crystals i hung there and scattering a multitude of tiny rainbows everywhere, reminding me of the possibilities of each glorious day.

     i love you in the daytime with the golden sun warming the soil, releasing its heady scent, full of the promise of summer flowers. or, on a grey day, when the rain falls gently and melodically like a lullaby sung to a fretting baby.

     i love you in the afternoon when my young son and i can escape to the backyard & have adventures of all sorts and his delight at all the wondrous things the new season brings for him to discover.

     i love you in the mid afternoon as i go for a stroll, unencumbered by the trappings of winter wear, enjoying the first buds & blooms of the year. or, perhaps, as i steal a lazy moment or two in the hammock under the tree, staring up through the branches now dressed in green.

     i love you in the early evening as the laughter of children & the relaxing drone of lawnmowers fill the golden air, me ever trying to resist the temptation to flop down on my voluminous comforter and float away in a nap.

     i love you in all your guises... warm, cold, wet, dry, muddy, loamy, green, sunny and grey. i love your ever changing moods & the promises you whisper. my dear springtime, i long to revel in the joys you bring!  please come soon or i feel i shall go mad for want of your sweet presence...



time flies!

wow! it has been a long time since i blogged!

here's *some* of what i've been up to...

* knitting and more knitting! i think i've knitted more things this winter than i ever have all total! plus i've learned alot of new techniques. 

* been doing alot of beading too. made quite a few new necklaces.

* slowly but surely making headway on the quilt for sami (almost halfway done with the hand quilting!)

* finished up my december daily album... what a fun thing to do!

* will be turning in some work for a juried gallery exhibit...i've been agonizing over the selections for that!

* met some great people & made new friends! yay!

* working on some more of my fun little altered boxes. (no pics yet...sorry!)

* followed up a connection to a wonderful little boutique down in the cities called the linden tree... i'll be bringing some of my things down there to sell in the next month of so. lots of product development goin on there! i'm pretty excited about it!

* oh yeah & josh & i finally set a date so i am planning our wedding too! yay! been doing alot of graphic design work on my save the dates. oh and research on flowers & decorations & everything else that goes into a wedding. we are having a small wedding so it's all going to be handmade. can't wait!





it's gonna be a busy & exciting year!